She Screams For More, More Than Just Some Blue Eyed Metaphor

Sorry about not updating. Just been bust lately and everything is hectic.

Been having one of those times where I can't stop thinking about things that happened. Yeah I know, "stop worrying about the people in your past theres a reason they didn't make it to your future". But what happens when you have this feeling that they should still be here. And this feeling isn't just in your heart but in your gut. You can feel that you still need them, that they should still be in your life somehow. I've been thinking this about a guy...but I know that there is no way that we could even be friends again. His girlfriend would get soooo pissed if I even texted him. But I was his girlfriend first(even though we never acted like we were going out, just really good friends). Personally I think that we were never supposed to go out, that we were suppsed to stay friends. But of course that didn't happen. So we will just have to see how this all works out here...

Just to make sure... I have nooo intentions of dating this guy again. Just being friends.

Went to the doctors the other day because I have knee problems. I have X-rays, but they didn't show the problem. So I have to go in for and MRI later this week. Hope all goes well so that I can still march this year!

"We stopped looking for monters under the bed once we realized that they were inside of us."

They Never Bothered With Her Dreams, Only Thinking Of Theirs

Hello there, been a while. This picture, yeah the one right above this text, is pretty cool in my opinion. Just to see how bright everything is in the US and where everyone is. Ever since I went to Boston a few years ago with my school orchestra, I've been thinking how cool it would be to live in a big city on the east coast. Like Boston or New York City. Anyone live in a big city? Is it nice to have all of those other people around?

Then there is the country. Wide open spaces full of beauty and amazing things. No people around you. All of the privacy that you could want with almost as many trees as there are stars. Could have as many horses as anyone could dream of. That also something that I would really like. To live where there is hardly anyone around. All I would do is probably ride horses all day.

Oh, it has been a long few days. As weird as it sounds, I have been eating more that I typically do. Not normal for me. Maybe it is just the whole summer thing? But still, even though I say that I have been eating more than normal that doesn't necessarily mean a lot. Even eating more than normal for me, that is a normal persons "not eating a lot". I'm just weird in that way.

Well I hope that everyone has a great next few days. I will try to update more, but I may be going up north for the weekend. Lova ya!

"The question isn't, who is going to let me; the question is, who is going to stop me."

Mayday, Mayday, Someone Save Me

Some people say that being alone is a time where they can think without all of the talking and the nonsense that occur in their everyday life. Others say its a time where they can catch up on things that they never had the time to do. And some like it because it allows them the chance to think. I thought that I was one of the people in that last category that I just mentioned. Oh how wrong I really was. As it turns out, being alone is probably the worst place for me to be at this time in my life. Allowing someone like me the time to reflect upon what has happened and things that they have done is probably one of the worst ideas that anyone could ever have.

Now realizing this, I don't really talk to people when I am around them. Or open up. Not liking to focus on myself because I don't care about myself. Thinking about it now, I am begining to realize that maybe I just like that feeling. That secure feeling that there is someone else in the same room or general vacinity that can understand you in atleast one way, shape, or form. Someone that won't judge you if you are talking a lot, or even if you dont utter one word at all. They know who you are and can understand that you are diffrent and things aren't the same with you. That you may be a little more fragile, or a little too insecure, or that you may just be scared, scared to death that someone is going to come around again and tear your whole world to shreds. And that at the moment is what I need.

Of course I realized it too late though. Those people are away at camp, or leading new lives with people who quite frankly don't like me for some reason, or they are even in a diffrent state. But I still need them. But unfortunatly the next time that one of them asks what is wrong this will be the time that I remember. The time that they weren't here, at the time when I needed them the most. And that is something that I hate about myself... I only seem to really rememeber the times that someone wasn't there, not all of the times that they were.

"I'm on the verge of of breaking down. The strength I have to hold myself together is slowly fading away. I just need somebody, somebody to lean on. I feel so alone and I hate it. Save me, please"

But Our Footprints Washed Away From The Docks Downtown

Wow. It seems like it has been forever. It was just that I was up north for a while and then I get back and I have all of this stuff to get done around the house.

Did everyone like the fireworks? I hope that everyone did. Watching them from every angle possible I began thinking about a few things while I was on the beach with all of the people that I love. One thing was how bad are all of these fireworks polluting the smoke was bad. And since I was watching them on the beach they were being shot into the water, are those shells going to affect the wildlife at all?.

If you hadn't already guessed I wasn't exactly "home" for the 4th. But where I was.... feels like another home to me. Everyone there is so warm and loving and we always have so much fun whenever we go up there. And there is this guy up there. You see, I liked him like two years ago (I spend almost every weekend every summer with him and his family). But because of someone things happening last summer I didn't really like him all that much. Then I go up there this year and I am so confused! I thought that I didn't like him one bit! So how is this? Did I just suddeny remeber something that made me like him again? Or was it the way that he smiled at me when I was returning that dog leash that he left over at our cottage? Either way I cannot wait to go up there again and have funn on the beach...and see him.

Hope you all have a wonderful day!!!


"So here's to loving him while he's loving her."

A Broken Heart Is Not What I Wanted From This, But I Guess I've Learned From It

Above is what I have decided. So I have quite a few problems and I am trying to work through all of them. But there were some people in my life up until quite recently that I thought were helping me. Until I realized that they were actually hindering me from getting better. Not like I'm proud of how I got my point across to these people, but it had to be done.
Have you ever had that happen? Where you just can't stand people speaking of the past over and over again and bringing so many things back up? Well that's what was happening. I just need to let go of my past and move on. I can't keep living in it. It isn't coming back. Fuck the people that aren't currently in my life. There is a reason that they diddn't make it into my life now. Not saying that if they want to come back into it they can't...but until that happens I'm not going to waste my time with these people.

I can't believe that it is July already. Seems like it is going much to fast. I am most definatly ready for my few days up north this weekend. Just laying on the beach with great people around me, the water, and of course the boys.

Well I should get going, I have a French Horn lesson later today and I think that I should get some last minute practicing in. Have a great day =]


"Sometimes, you gotta teach yourself how to get up from a hard fall, cause if you call for someone's help they just might push you back down."